Tuesday, July 13, 2010

unrequited.

THIS is the one that I blame all of my troubles on. 

Damn multiples.
THIS is the one that made asshole pictures for L. & B. out of lipliner and lipstick.
my body covered in sharpies; alone in the desert with questions staring back at me blankly - scrawled across my legs and thighs and arms and stomach and neck and toes.  darkest of dark blackest of black, blacker than the blackest black hole.
According to In.Cog.NITO, this would be the ultimate "fuck-you-look-what-you-did-to-me-you-cold,-heartless,-worthless-bitch."  

that was then.

now.  I'm right.  i have my justice.  i can find solace in the fact that all of my predictions have come true.  Right?  
Now.  i don't feel vindicated.  I'm still angry.  livid.  i don't go crazy with fury and anguish every single day like i did 3 months ago, but i still feel the demon seething in my belly like a poison, venomous snake just aching to slither up my stomach into my throat and out of my mouth.  like a possession.  possessed by fear, anger, sorrow, grief, betrayal, insecurity, anguish, depression, anxiety, and o.b.s.e.s.s.i.o.n. 
it goes and goes and a talk and talk (to myself, mostly, since there are not many people to talk to around here and even if there were, they will say; 1. "you just have to get over it." i want to strangle those people.  it would have been easier had she died.  if your best friend died, how would you feel when people you love tell you to "just get over it," or "you just have to move on!" 
no.shit.
so, i'm working hard on moving on and to my surprise L. calls me out of the blue yonder, somewhere in the outlying Houston area.  she thinks she sounds sober, i suppose, or she probably would not have called.  as i predicted, she's already drunk.  as i predicted her brand shiny new husband is already traveling "for work" for two months as soon as they returned from their honeymoon.  he'll be back in mid-august.  she has no internet, no phone.  the house fell through.  they can only rent in her name because of his massive debt-to-income ratio.  so . . . I'm greedily soliciting information from her, as I have not heard from her in many months.  i want to know how miserable she really is. 

i heard all of my predictions coming true, or already having manifested themselves in her life.  suddenly, it dawns on me . . . she had everything. she had everything she had lost due to her alcoholism and even more than she could have ever dreamed.  that was precisely the time she shit on all of it.  i realized then, that she doesn't think she deserves those things.  she had admitted to me (when i was still absolutely unsuspecting and she still told me things) while we were driving across main street on northwest highway - i remember it vividly . . . she told me that she knew she was "settling" with b.  i asked her why, then, does she want to go back to him?  "i'm too scared of being alone.  it's too painful."  
she forced things to go her way, disregarding his resistance.  she knew he did not want to ever marry again.  she knew he was not appreciative and likely never would be.  she knew they had a meager sex life at best.  she knew that he was inconsiderate, selfish, self-consumed, and she knew that when things got tough, b. mysteriously disappeared, like a waning tide.  she knew all of this, yet still believed they were "in love" and finally got what she wanted.  i have been the only person (to my knowledge) in her life, that strongly opposed this wedding.  i won't go into details about the duplicitous, unethical role my own counselor played in this sordid little tale, because i need my starbucks really soon.  suffice to say, he was a major player and he has not bothered to call me since the day before i left texas despite four years of his promising to never do that to me - abandon me without notice, as so many people in my life have done.  he just followed l's lead.  
long story, and i want it to stop now.
simply put; so far, everything is playing out as i had predicted.  
but . . . i do not feel any better.  no vindication, no sense of gratification.  I'm angry at her for damaging both of our lives, for sabotaging everything meaningful in her life, including our friendship that was the most important relationship in my life.  the anger didn't dissipate, but my need for revenge has started to dissipate, now that i realize that this need does nothing but make me feel sadness and wish that i had been wrong after all.  
and she has left me with a dilemma.  i need starbuck's, so i won't go into the dilemma right now.  
let's just say, i have to find a way to check my motives on who i choose to go to for advise.  the people i would have normally gone to are no longer interested in speaking to me for a variety of reasons, most of which, are unknown to me, some of which are known.  not very many though.
i can only think of the unethical bastard counselor as a person to talk to about this.  it's either him or her sister, whom i've always liked.  however, i don't know if my motives are in her best interest by going to her sister.  i have not confronted her yet.  b. most likely does not know.  he might have relapsed too, who knows?  they were both aa members when they met.  
motives.
motives.
motives.
motives.
that's today's theme.

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“As a leader... I have always endeavored to listen to what each and every person in a discussion had to say before venturing my own opinion. Oftentimes, my own opinion will simply represent a con-sensus of what I heard in the discussion. I always remember the axiom: a leader is like a shepherd. He stays behind the flock, letting the most nimble go out ahead, whereupon the others follow, not realizing that all along they are being directed from behind.”
~ Nelson Mandela